“We’re Like a Family” — What’s the Harm?
A couple of weeks ago, I said something to a room full of filmmakers that I could tell broke a few brains. I told them they might want to think twice before saying, “We’re like a family here.”
It’s something I say to leaders all the time, but there’s a twist.
Your work team isn’t your family. But it might function like one. In fact, it often functions like a family made up of people who married into it, and brought a set of mismatched baggage from their own families.
We’ll get to that in a moment.
But first, let’s talk about why “we’re like a family here” can land so differently depending on who hears it.
The word “family” doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone
It’s unlikely that the word “family” means the same thing to you as it does to the people around you. You could be unintentionally triggering someone. For some, their experience of family might include:
- A tragic loss
- An abusive adult or peer
- A key member who’s estranged
- Exposure to intimate partner violence
And the list goes on.
So… you’ll wait with me in the ER, then?
There’s also the expectation baked into the word. Listen, I’m ride or die when it comes to my biological AND chosen family. If any of them reaches out for urgent help, you better believe I’ll drop everything for them.
Yes, I’ve had coworkers who meant a great deal to me. But that kind of relationship is earned, not declared by a leader or used as shorthand for “we care.”
Back to the part about how teams function like families
The truth is, families are interpersonal systems. And you know what else are interpersonal systems? Work teams, departments, entire organizations.
Our earliest experience with interpersonal systems is often our family, and that can shape how we behave or feel at work, often without us even realizing it. Here are just a few ways that might show up:
- People who had a difficult adult in childhood may project those feelings onto their manager.
- Managers with unresolved dynamics of their own may struggle with the authority they hold.
- Unhealthy systems often reject the person who’s seen as vulnerable or “different.”
- When teams don’t trust leadership, they protect themselves, through silence, side conversations, disengagement, or competition.
- Some people who grew up in chaos thrive in it — and then struggle when things finally calm down.
- Others are deeply triggered by chaos and find big transitions at work incredibly destabilizing.
- Some of us unconsciously replicate the same role we played in our family within our teams.
In short, when you gather a group of imperfect humans, it’s going to be messy. That’s not a bug that’s a feature of human systems. While you aren’t a therapist, maybe you can be inspired by one of the first things I learned in therapy school, “treat the individual as a group and the group as an individual.
So what can leaders and managers do instead?
- Think twice before telling candidates, “We’re like a family.” If your team truly uses that word, make sure everyone has given full, informed consent to it.
- Remember that employee performance challenges rarely happen in a vacuum. Look at the system, not just the individual.
- Pay attention during times of transition. Acknowledge change. Give people space to process. Check in with individuals.
- When innovation, collaboration, or engagement dips, treat that as symptoms of a system problem.
- Bring in someone who can help support your culture and psychological safety. This stuff isn’t easy to navigate alone. (🙋🏻♀️)
Also: make sure you have support too. That might look like a peer group, a coach, or yes, even a therapist.
And whether you’re a manager or not, if you find yourself in the same kinds of frustrating experiences across different jobs, it might be time to unpack those patterns with someone who can help.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you heard this term floated around? What impact has that had on you? Do you have another way to talk about your team?
Forward this to someone who’s struggling at work and needs the validation and inspiration!
If your team is struggling and you’d like help from someone obsessed with team dynamics, reach out. I’d love to support.
And as ever, if you’re a resident of California looking for a therapist who gets all this workplace stuff, I’ve got a couple of openings.
Want to hear the little pep talk I gave to writers at the BraveMaker Film Fest? Check it out on my IG here.